The beaming face below belongs to a liar.
At the start of the year, I started this blog and told myself that I would publish one post a week as a commitment to the consistency necessary to do anything important.
In the past two weeks, I've published a total of 0 posts.
My reaction to that fact is splintered in two as I simultaneously feel guilt and disappointment while also still encouraging myself to be more charitable with myself.
It's such a hard balancing game when it comes to holding yourself to the targets you set.
Beating yourself up when you come up short doesn't achieve much to change anything and more often leads to a downward spiral of self-depreciation that can tip you over into completely conceiting.
But on the other hand, providing yourself with too much leniency makes you okay with walking back on your word and stops you from putting as much effort in as you could with the comfort of an undisturbed conscience.
The James Clear / Jerry Seinfeld "Never Skip Twice" motto is a good way to balance charitability and accountability but even to that end, I am failing.
I like to tell myself it's because I'm busy. I have a full-time 'job' in the army, have been arranging calls almost everyday with the amazing people I'm meeting online and have been taking steps back to reassess priorities.
But all of that seems fake the deeper I dig into it. When you look at it on paper, time is ample and I have already decided for a multitude of reasons that this is important to me.
In reality, I've been sitting on 2 or 3 drafts of thoughts that are trying to become coherent blog posts but as it goes so often, the longer I spend on them, the more discomfort accumulates around revisiting them for the umpteenth time to try and work things through.
This discomfort stops me from writing and posting and not writing and posting makes me work on these projects more out of guilt than enjoyment which in turn leads to more discomfort.
These feelings make it impossible to enjoy the process and has created a loop that I need to escape from.
That need brings me here - an exercise in just putting in the reps and an attempt to follow my own advice on perfectionism.
This twenty minute brain dump rights all the wrongs and cleans the slate. I'm resetting the timer, marking my first cross on the Calendar and jumping back on the consistency wagon.
See you this Thursday!